Objectives are about obtaining specific results.
Relationship is about improving the interactions and connections between you and the other party.
Self-Respect is about acting in line with your values.
All of these priorities are important, and in an ideal world, we’d act in line with all of them, all of the time – but sometimes they come into conflict. For instance:
Your best friend makes a disparaging comment about one of your beliefs. Do you defend your views and risk causing conflict (Self-Respect), or do you let the comment pass because you don’t want to upset your friend (Relationship)?
Your teacher leaves the classroom during a test, and accidentally leaves an answer sheet face-up on their desk. Do you look at the answer sheet because you want a good grade (Objectives), or do you ignore it because you want to achieve your result fairly and honestly (Self-Respect)?
A colleague wants you to look over a report, but you have a heavy workload of your own. Do you look over their report and risk having to stay late (Relationship), or do you turn them down so you can complete your own work quickly and effectively (Objectives)?
Conflict between these differing priorities is not uncommon, and sometimes we find that one kind of goal is routinely neglected in favour of the other two. If it’s your Objectives that regularly get pushed to the side, if you struggle to turn down requests, or to effectively have your needs met, then you might find the following set of skills helpful. They’re called the DEAR MAN skills, and we can use them like a script to make sure our goals aren’t getting ignored. I’ve included a description of each skill, and an example of how we might apply it to an everyday situation, where relevant.
Describe: state the reality of the situation. Use only facts, rather than expressing opinions or interpretations.
You said you’d pick the children up from school today, but then messaged and told me something had come up at work. I had to leave my work early instead to pick them up. This is the third time this has happened over the past two weeks.
Express: how do you feel about the situation? Describe your feelings openly and honestly, so that as little as possible is left up to interpretation.
When this happens, it makes me feel unappreciated, like you don’t consider my work to be important relative to yours.
Assert: what do you want to happen? Again, try to be as clear and open with this statement as possible.
I would really like it if we could divide this task equally, so that we can both have a good work-life balance.
Reinforce: how will things be better for both of you after this course of action?
I think that if we’re able to follow through with a plan, we’ll both be so much more relaxed, rather than always scrambling to rearrange things when something comes up.
Mindful: remember to stay focussed on your objective, rather than getting drawn into other conflicts, or distracted by tangents. Don’t respond to personal attacks.
Appear confident: your tone and body language matter. Where possible, try to have an upright posture and a clear, confident tone – you’re not asking for anything unreasonable, and others will be more likely to believe you if you believe yourself.
Negotiate: be willing to give in order to get, if there’s a reasonable middle ground.
Of course emergencies can happen, and I don’t mind moving things around when they do – but I’d like it if we both tried our best to make our original plans work before we explore that.
Now, these skills won’t guarantee that you’ll get the outcome you want – you can use all the skills you have, but if the other person isn’t willing to use theirs and meet you halfway, you might not attain your goals. They can give you a much better chance though, and can allow you to look back on a conversation and know you did everything you reasonably could to have your needs met. If you struggle with assertiveness or find yourself always making concessions even when your position is reasonable, try implementing some DEAR MAN skills next time – you might be pleasantly surprised at the result.
